Monthly Archives: March 2015

Anonymous Corner: Gwen Stefani ruined a date for me

NOTE: These Anonymous Corner stories are anonymous tales of life lessons and awkward moments given to me to publish.

 

 

As a 37-year-old heterosexual man, I would say I’m very comfortable with who I am. Which is why I have no problem letting the world know it: I’m obsessed with Gwen Stefani. It started out as a fan of No Doubt in the 90’s. She was my first crush, my first concert and also my first cd. I kept a No Doubt poster on my wall well past the normal age for a functioning adult to keep posters all over their wall. I have no shame when I say I even bought all of her solo albums.

 

Gwen Stefani also ruined a promising date I went on.

 

The year was 2005 and I was a promising grad student studying the exciting field of microbiology. In my lab, I was partnered up with this beautiful woman who we’ll just call Alice. Her name is obviously not Alice as no one has been purposely named Alice for 50 years. I fancied myself as decent when it came to speaking to women but Alice was different. After somehow working up the nerve to ask her to accompany me to a nice restaurant, I felt on top of the world.

 

I made a few mistakes. First, I decided to wear the cologne, Polo Green. To give you an idea of what it smelled like, realize this: Polo Green has been in circulation since about 1978 and still smells like it. As if smelling like gasoline wasn’t enough, when Alice stepped into my car and pressed play on the CD player, “Rich Girl” was blaring across the speaker. Keep in mind; this was 2005 so not every car on the lot was equipped with a built-in CD player. Which means I had one personally installed. Which also meant that I spent the previous day blasting Gwen Stefani.

 

Alice laughed it off as I explained that I was a fan. At the restaurant, we had a great time sharing what we had in common and laughing about everything from carrots to George Bush. When it came time for us to leave, she asked to see my apartment, which was on the way. Not thinking anything about how my place looked, I quickly agreed and we drove back to my place.

 

As we entered my apartment, I mentally patted myself on the back when the place wasn’t as bad as I had expected. Everything seemed okay until Alice decided to waltz towards my room. That’s when I remembered the life sized Gwen Stefani poster on my wall. Then I remembered the No Doubt picture collage I made when I was 17 hanging above my bed. My still-playing DVD of Rock Steady Live with Live in the Tragic Kingdom sitting on top of the television. I bet you didn’t even realize No Doubt released even one concert DVD. My room was a shrine to No Doubt.

 

I tried to long jump over the couch to stop Alice from getting to my room and realized I was in no shape or form a long jumper when I tripped and hit my head on a bar stool. Alice immediately came over and showcased nurse skills that I didn’t know she had. Crisis averted right? Wrong. Alice went looking for Tylenol in my room and found everything. The weird part was she never said a word about it and neither did I. I took her home during the most silent car ride of all time and never heard from her again, even in the same class. You might think I’d feel like an idiot. Nope. If she’s too good for Gwen Stefani, then she’s not for me.  – Anonymous

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Five things I’d Rather Do than Talk on the Phone

It’s happened to us all. You’re driving down the highway after a long day of work, tired and ready to make a bad decision. Not the illegal kind of decisions, but the “this is my fourth fast food meal of the week and it’s only Tuesday” kind. You flip on the radio and that song you like to croak out in an attempt to sing is on the radio. You get about ten seconds into the song and then….

It happens.

Your phone is ringing and it’s someone you know. I’d be more likely to answer a number I didn’t recognize because I’m delusional and expect a random phone call letting me know of my impending lottery earnings. If it’s someone you know, a million questions run through your head in a 6 second span.

What do they want? How long are they going to want to talk? Is this person a talker?

You have a quick decision to make. And if you’re me, most of the time you’ll let it go to voicemail and see if they leave a message or text. If they do neither, it couldn’t have been important.

I’m not sure when we all decided text messaging was more useful, but lets face it, no one really wants to hold the phone up to their face for an hour. Especially if you own one of the trapper keeper sized IPhone 6pluses. 74% of all mobile phone users worldwide use text messaging so I can’t be alone in this thinking right?

To justify my shortcomings, here are ten things I’ve decided to do rather than talk on the phone at least once in my life:

  1. Continue watching whatever the hell was on TV

I watch a fair amount of television with an unruly amount of Cool Ranch Doritos and Salsa in front of me. Sometimes, I just want to spend a Saturday morning watching a terrible movie like Man of the House with the now with one less fan Tommy Lee Jones. If I’m going to answer the phone, you’d better hope I was suffering through an episode of The Challenge (Still won’t answer) or Justified (Won’t answer either).

  1. Absolutely Nothing

There is a certain satisfaction in doing absolutely nothing on a work-free day. The annoyances of your day job are forgotten while you sit around and contemplate a trip to Wal-Mart or heating up another Hot Pocket. There is something to be said when you avoid a phone call to do nothing for just fifteen more minutes. Think about how much sense that doesn’t make.

  1. Listen to Music

Covered in the introduction, but if I’ve decided to dance around my apartment to James Brown’s “The Payback” in my bathrobe then leave me be! It makes no sense to end my personal dance show to listen to a story about the deal Ted got on his new truck.

  1. Eat

If I’m in the middle of nice plate of barbecue and corn, please don’t expect me to answer. Eating in the privacy of my home is my time to celebrate the company of myself. Keyword: privacy. Which also means I won’t be accepting phone calls.

  1. Play Games/Facebook Scroll

Here you are, typing that incredibly witty reply to a comment on your Throwback Thursday picture and your dentist calling to remind you to make an appointment interrupts your creative genius. If you haven’t pressed ignore during the middle of an important Facebook scroll, I just don’t really know if I can trust you. We all know how that newsfeed refreshes.

The day and age we all live in has made society more reliant on their phones. Does this make me unreliable during a distant emergency? Probably. Does this make me or anyone else a bad person? Of course not. But for future reference; the next time that my house is on fire, just shoot me a text. It’ll probably reach me faster.

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